MONACO

Monaco is the smallest country in the world, other than Vatican City (which like… why are we even counting the Vatican on that list). It’s also the richest country in the world. Technically Monaco is a principality, so the ruler of Monaco is Prince Albert III, not King, and why his super-famous mom was called Princess Grace.

Okay, story time. It’s around 1955. Alfred Hitchcock just came out with Rear Window, and now he’s going to direct a glitzy international movie about a reformed cat burglar who gets framed for a series of robberies, and he has no choice but to catch the thief (wink) in order to clear his name. Hitchcock convinces the bronze god himself Cary Grant to come out of retirement for this irresistible on-location career-maker: the movie will be shot in Monte-Carlo, Monaco, and they will be hosted by Prince Rainier III, the most eligible bachelor in the world. Rainier III has decided it’s time to settle down and produce an heir, and he’s looking for a beautiful, elegant woman to be his bride and the future Princess of Monaco. Marilyn Monroe REALLY wants the part, but if you know anything about Marilyn Monroe’s personal life and mental health, you understand why Hitchcock politely let her down. Instead, he gives the part to Grace Kelly. Wham bam thank you ma’am, one year later, Grace Kelly and Rainier are married, and Hollywood’s most beautiful starlet becomes Monaco’s most beloved princess.

This was the story my mother told to me in seventh grade. I listened with starry-eyed wonder and imagined the beautiful Grace Kelly, who literally actually is a carbon-copy of Disney’s Cinderella, falling in love with the prince and living happily ever after in this real-life fairy tale. (Meanwhile, Princess Grace is in heaven, charmingly laughing her perfectly-toned butt off at me writing this.) Watching To Catch a Thief marks the genesis of my love for classic movies.

You know what else I love? THE HISTORY OF FAMOUS ROYAL FAMILIES! The Grimaldis are the longest ruling family in the world (take that, Windsor-Mountbattens!). In 1297, they dressed up as peaceful monks and invaded the castle “Le Roc” and have been sitting on the throne of Monaco ever since. (In fact, there’s a law that says that there must be a Grimaldi on the throne of Monaco, otherwise the whole principality gets absorbed back into France.) If you Google the royal crest of the Grimaldis, you’ll see two shady-looking monks holding swords smiling like 😉

Alright, if you want to know the main history of Monaco and how it got to be the tiniest richest country in the world, you really just need to look at three rulers: Princess Caroline, Prince Albert I, and Prince Rainier III.

Princess Caroline was originally an actress (omg just like Grace Kelly) with a mind for business. Caroline was like “you know what? Monaco is dope and all, it’s cool being one of the many countries on the Mediterranean, but what if Monaco was a high-class country that could bring in a lot of high-rollers and tourism, instead of… idk olive oil?” So she comes up with the idea of the Monte-Carlo Casino, aka the Casino Royale (yes that one), which also has exquisite restaurants, a ballroom, and an opera house. Only get this—I love this part—she makes it illegal for Monegasque citizens to enter the gaming rooms in the casino, because she doesn’t want her beloved citizens developing a gambling addiction. To this day, if you want to enter the gambling hall with all the roulette and baccarat tables, you have to show your passport. 

Prince Albert I was an explorer at heart. He lives in the late 1800s to the 1920s, which is when folks are going to the North Pole, John Muir and all the zoologists were exploring and classifying nature, Jules Verne was writing Around the World in 80 Days, Journey to the Center of the Earth, and 10,000 Leagues Under the Sea… if you were interested in science and wanted to explore or contribute to the discovery of our planet, the late 1800s was the place to be. EsPECIALLy if you had money.

So Albert, science nerd that he is, has the Oceanographic Museum built and builds a pretty nice collection of artifacts based on his own marine explorations. (The dude discovered a new species of squid while on a whaling expedition. The dead whale’s mouth popped open and all these squid burbled out and everyone was like AAH and Prince Albert I was like “I shall call this VAMPIRE SQUID!” or something like that. Don’t quote me on this story; I made Cs in Science and As in Creative Writing.) Because of his time seeing the horrors of war in the navy, Prince Albert I was a pacifist, and he created The Institute of Peace in Monaco, and he personally tried to talk Kaiser Wilhelm II out of World War I. Honestly SLAY, Albert!!

Then Albert married Alice Heine, the Jewish-American daughter of a New Orleans mogul (who dat) who generated a lot of interest and tourism in Monaco (notice a pattern here?). 

Alright, flash forward to the 1940s. Rainier III is a 25-year-old WWII veteran with a Croix de Guerre bronze star who becomes the new Prince of Monaco. France, Monaco, and Europe are all kinds of torn up after two world wars. Rainier’s vision for Monaco is not just a fun lil’ place with a casino and race cars; he wants to literally expand Monaco’s horizons. The problem is that there’s nowhere to build. So, he builds out into the ocean. There’s a completely new neighborhood in Monaco named Fontvieille that is straight-up built on cement and clay dumped into the oceans. On this foundation, he also builds Monaco’s pharmaceutical industry, which also brings in a lot of cash. Finally, Monaco is also a tax haven. Billionaires from all over the world will outbid each other for a broom closet of an apartment in Monaco because they don’t have to pay an income tax. Rainier III is affectionately known as “The Builder Prince” because he’s responsible for making Monaco the richest country in the world.

Now that you know the backstory of Monaco, you can appreciate Monaco’s main tourist attractions: The Prince’s Palace, the Oceanographic Museum, and the Monte-Carlo Casino.

What We Saw

Monaco is like a bowl cut in half. And not a salad bowl, a cereal bowl. The prices AND the cliffs are steep, henney! Port Hercule is at the bottom of the bowl. This is the main harbor of Monaco, where million-dollar yachts are packed in like sardines, and where cruise ships unload their starry-eyed tourists. 

*But you, gentle reader, will not be in the throng of tour groups. (Why would you? I just told you everything you would’ve heard on the tour.) You will prudently be staying in affordable Nice and will take the train in, sightsee and eat dinner and maybe gamble at the casino, and then take the train or taxi back to Nice.*

The left side of the bowl (if you’re facing Monaco from the ocean) is Le Rocher, or Old Town Monaco. Le Rocher means “The Rock” because the medieval palace was built on a high cliff that’s pretty hard to get to: a boon in the times of invading armies, a bane of my existence when it comes to sight-seeing. Be prepared to walk up a very long incline or some steep stairs to get to the top. Or you can take a taxi (Uber is banned in Monaco) if you can find one (lol).

The right side of the bowl is the Place du Casino. This is (obviously) where the Casino is located, as well as all the five-star hotels and the chicest names in haute couture: Gucci, Prada, Balenciaga, Cartier, Rolex, Louis Vuitton… the list goes on. (Hey! That rhymes!)

The middle is La Condamine, where the Monaco Grand Prix takes place every May. Prince Rainier had a pretty awesome collection of antique cars, so if you’re into racing or cars or anything like that, The Prince’s Automobile Collection is like walking into James Bond’s garage.

The Place du Palais. Literally translated as “the plaza of the palace”, this is where the Royal Family of Monaco lives. If the flag is up at the palace, it means Prince Albert III is currently in Monaco, which considering the fact that Monaco is less than one square mile, means you’re pretty close to royalty! Most guides suggest sticking around to witness the changing of the guard, but if you’ve seen literally any changing of the guard ceremony, it’s pretty standard procedure. The Place du Palais is also where you’re gonna get all your souvenir shopping done.

The Cathedral. This beautiful building, just down the road from the Place du Palais, is where Prince Rainier III and Princess Grace were married and buried. It has multiple names: Monaco Cathedral, Cathedral Saint Nicholas, Cathedral of Our Lady Immaculate, but it will be hard to miss, as it is on the same cliffside road as the Oceanographic Museum and the villas of Princess Caroline and Princess Stéphanie. All of these sites of the royal family are in Le Rocher.

The Oceanographic Museum. This is definitely one of the most beautiful museums I have ever seen. Like, the Oceanographic Museum can beat the bricks off of the Smithsonian. It sits precariously on the edge of a cliff. The bottom level is an aquarium, the middle level is the beautiful nautical and zoological collection of Albert I, and the top level focuses on ocean exploration and preservation. Fun fact: Jacques Cousteau was the museum director during the reign of Rainier III, and his submarine sits outside, waiting for your selfies!

The Casino Monte-Carlo. Even if you don’t gamble, don’t miss this building. Truly one of the most beautiful buildings on the Riviera, a Belle Époque masterpiece. Don’t be distracted by the valets parking Bugattis, Ferraris, and Rolls Royces next to each other at the front, look to the heavens and you’ll see angels flanking ivory clock towers, and inside the most beautiful stained glass ceilings, accented by marble statues of Fortune and marine animals. Remember to take your passport with you if you want to enter the gambling hall. Alex and I aren’t big on gambling (why would you throw away $100 on one second of thrills when you could spend it doing literally anything else on the French Riviera), but we felt that skipping a night at the casino would be disobeying Rule #3 of Traveling Well: do the touristy things. So after spending the greatest culinary experience of our lives (up next) at the Hôtel de Paris’ Michelin-starred restaurant, Le Louis XV, we ambled next door to the casino to continue living the plot of a James Bond movie. A ticket to the gaming rooms is 14 Euros, and with that ticket comes a 10 Euro voucher. I wanted to play baccarat a la Pierce Brosnan in GoldenEye, but the baccarat tables were closed and also Alex and I are a couple of stooges who wouldn’t know a spade from a club, so we settled on a Goldfinger-themed slot machine and won 36 Euros. With a net positive of 8 Euros, I can pretty confidently say we were the only ones who made money off the casino that night.

Where We Ate

Now, for most of our week on the French Riviera, Alex and I frequented cheap eats in an effort to prove that this expensive vacation destination can actually be pretty affordable. But Monaco is different. I mean, how are you going to visit the richest country in the world and NOT ball out? (Even though there’s actually plenty of affordable places along the harbor. There’s even a Steak N Shake???)

Next to the Monte-Carlo Casino is the Hôtel de Paris. Both are partially owned by the royal family. The idea was to provide a luxury hotel for the high-rollers at the casino to stay. So we’re talking about the richest hotel in the richest country in the world. And every great hotel needs an even greater restaurant.

Are you ready for a real rags-to-riches Monaco fairy tale in the same vein as Princess Grace? Meet Alain Ducasse, the son of some random duck farmers with a brilliant talent for haute cuisine. It’s 1986, and Prince Rainier hires 30-year-old Alain Ducasse to be the head chef for the newly-renovated restaurant, Le Louis XV. Prince Rainier tells Alain: I want this to be THE BEST restaurant in the world. I want people from all over the globe to come to this casino, this hotel, this restaurant. I want three Michelin stars. And you have three years to earn them.

Now, if you are a fellow foodie, you know that Michelin stars are like Oscars. No, they’re rarer than Oscars. Getting one Michelin star is amazing. Getting three??? In three years??? Lololol

But here’s the crazy thing.

Alain did it.

Alain Ducasse earned three Michelin stars for Le Louis XV by 1990, and launched himself into the starry heavens of celebrity chefdom. (To put it into reference… he’s like the Gordon Ramsay of France. All your favorite celebrity chefs have been talking about this guy for like 30 years.)

So like… we’ve gotta go, right?

Don’t even ask me how we afforded this dinner. Okay, this is how: we had to drive all the way to Georgia, find the devil, beat him in a musical contest and take his golden fiddle, hock it at a pawn shop, and even then we were only able to afford an appetizer at this place. 

The day before our sojourn into haute cuisine, Alex and I stopped off at the ritzy art deco hotel bar, Le Bar Americain. This is where we learned how to recognize the REALLY rich.

First of all, you can tell someone is really rich by their clothes. No, it’s not that they’re wearing Gucci and Prada, it’s that their clothes fit them very well: they’re tailored to their sculpted bodies. It’s the reason they look so chic in exercise-wear, while you (me) look like a troll freshly emerged from under a bridge. 

Second: rich people want special exceptions to be made for them. Two (yes, two!) different women with eye lifts, lip fillers, and high ponytails told the hostess they couldn’t be seated next to us in the middle of the lounge; they had to be somewhere in a corner. However, I think this insistence on being away from la publique is actually just for the  nouveau-riche-Instagram-influencer-types: the following night, we observe a regular-looking middle-aged man in a well-tailored blazer with his coastal-sweater-clad wife (also pretty regular-looking) sitting at the very front of the lobby, practically near the revolving doors, enjoying their drinks. Every salt-and-peppered businessman stopped to engage this man in conversation and shake his hand. Alex and I theorized in hushed tones that this man was probably the owner of the four-story yacht in the harbor. This man doesn’t need to be in a quiet corner, unbothered by the public, because he probably has a security detail to do that worrying for him.

Third, the rich folks here order gin and tonics from the menu. A group of loud businessmen order plenty of drinks, plus baskets of fries because, from the poorest hovel to the fanciest bar on the Mediterranean, fries are always delicious. The poors (us) order tea, because at $30 a person, it’s the cheapest thing on the menu (a particular bottle of champagne is, on God, listed at $15,000). There are three other tea-drinkers in the lounge, all wearing something akin to Skechers. Last year, I discovered that “teetrinker” is a German insult meaning tea-drinker, a sobriquet I found amusing at the time but understand the gravity of now.

The next night, we decided that if we were going to eat at a Michelin restaurant, we were going to EAT. No tea drinking tonight! We also ate a big lunch because, as anyone who has seen a movie where they go to a fancy restaurant knows, we didn’t expect to be served much food.

Oh, how we were mistaken.

Course 1: Bread

After being served from the champagne cart, where the sommelier opened a lovely bottle of 2012 Louis Roederer Rosé and tasted it himself (this is the job I need), we were given two large crackers standing upright. One was made from chickpea flour and brushed with espresso; the other was striped and baked with roasted chestnuts. 

Everything in a three-star Michelin restaurant (especially in France) revolves around the idea that food is art. It doesn’t have to be pretentious, but it does have to be flavorful, and if you’re passionate about food, then it should tell a story. The story of a season, the story of the region, the story of a culture. (God I’m so impressed with myself right now.)

Course 2: Vegetables

Because I’m an American talking about haute French cuisine and the value of food as cultural experience, I would be remiss if I did not bring up the Disney movie Ratatouille. (Oh come on, you were all thinking about it too.) You remember in Ratatouille when Remy makes the titular ratatouille that is so good, it launches the crotchety old food critic back into his childhood and makes him remember why he loves food in the first place? I had that experience at Le Louis XV with a tiny, tiny carrot.

The vegetable platter consists of tiny carrots, baby radishes, and the sweetest lil’ red beets, all on top of creamy, bright sauces. (To me, this sets French cuisine apart from the rest of the planet: NO ONE does a sauce like the French.) All of these twee veggies are locally sourced from nearby farmer’s markets in the surrounding cliffside villages. As I popped a tiny yellow carrot into my mouth, I was transported back to 1996 at my childhood friend’s house, when she pulled a fresh washed carrot out of her mom’s garden for me, and I tasted the sweetest vegetable I’ve ever had. Y’all, this carrot is a core memory for me in my life as a foodie. It’s the moment when I realized food isn’t just food. It’s FLAVOR.

And that’s why this restaurant is so good: the carrots aren’t just carrots. The radishes aren’t just radishes. Everything is *chosen* for you to savor and enjoy.

Course 3: Appetizer

Let’s get back to the Ratatouille experience: when you eat food so good, it launches you back in time. One of my mom’s favorite movies is The One Hundred Foot Journey, the story of an Indian refugee family who opens an Indian restaurant across from a Michelin restaurant in southern France (hey! that’s where we are!). The signature dish of this movie is sea urchins: the main character’s appreciation for FLAVOR begins when he savors a sea urchin. Later on in the movie, it becomes his signature dish, and even as he rises to become a Parisian Michelin-starred chef himself, the humble sea urchin will always remind him of home.

When I saw this movie, I had two thoughts:

1. Dang, I didn’t know you could even eat sea urchins.
2. I want to eat a sea urchin.

But I never had the experience in the States, because we’re more shellfish-and-filets folks.

Guess what was on the menu at Le Louis XV.

Crispy Jerusalem artichokes, sautéed sea urchin still sitting in its… spikes???, topped with a savory mousse and caviar.

Alex and I about lost our minds at how delicious the urchins were, which prompted interest from our very very very nice waiter, Riccardo. He asked us: “Are you passionate about cuisine?” To which I all but shouted “YES!”

Course 4: Bread pt. 2

That cracker was just a warm-up to the fresh-baked bread before us. The bread is served with locally-sourced olive oil and pepper, plus salt from Normandy. The tables at Le Louis XV are planets in a solar system, centered around a golden station where cocktails and starters are being prepared, and in the very middle is a gigantic cone of butter that is being shaved off in curls, shawarma-style. My heart skips a beat… one from excitement and two from cholesterol.

Course 5: Main course

This is definitely not the vision of in-house chef Emmanuel Pilon, but the theme of my dish was blue, and the theme of Alex’s dish was green. I chose smoked blue lobster with white asparagus and myrtle berry (blueberries are kind of an American thing, but myrtle berries are close). While my dish made me think of the ocean, especially with the deep blue and white palette of the ingredients, Alex’s dish—a Mediterranean fish quizzically named John Dory, served with peas and all kinds of bright, herbaceous greens–tasted of spring: light, fresh, and new.

Alex and I were contemplating these flavors, savoring every morsel, when another waiter passed by. “You’re both so serious!” he said. “It’s delicious… we’re taking it seriously!” I replied.

Course 6: Cheese

The cheese trolley was one of my favorite parts of the evening. All my turophiles out there know what’s up: this was a cart packed chock full with fragrant hunks of cheese. Sheep, cow, and goat cheese of different levels of softness, tanginess, and nuttiness. And you could order however much your little heart desired (and your arteries could take).

But the scene-stealer was the bread ice cream. Okay, stay with me here: imagine a smooth gelato that tastes exactly like a fresh baguette: yeasty and toasty-sweet. The bread ice cream is topped with muesli and seeds, just like the top of a good multigrain loaf. I loved it so much, they gave me another bowl.

Some folks at the table next to us opted for no cheese. At the beginning of the meal, we were asked if we had any dietary restrictions, to which Alex and I scoffed, chortled, and guffawed. We would eat poison if it was part of an amuse bouche.

I don’t know, maybe it’s because we’re not regular triple-Michelin-star-restaurant eaters, but we just seemed to enjoy our food more than the other diners. The cheeseless group was comprised of a couple of no doubt cardiovascular surgeons from Florida; the other table was a group of Slavic businessmen who didn’t speak a word for the entire meal.

So imagine our surprise when Riccardo asked us: “Would you like a private tour of the kitchen?”

My eyes were blinded with stars as I squeaked out: “yes please!”

Course 7: Palate cleanser

Backstage, we drank root tea and chatted with Chef Emmanuel Pilon. We witnessed how smoothly a haute cuisine kitchen is run. Each course is run by different teams. The desserts are prepared in a completely different part of the kitchen with a separate chef. By this point, we were so full of cheese and bread ice cream, we felt we couldn’t possibly have room for any dessert.

Course 8: Dessert

If the private tour of the kitchen and tea with the chef wasn’t enough, Riccardo told us that the restaurant wanted to give us TWO desserts each, free of charge.

Like…

Just…

Wow.

The first dessert was a traditional panettone with chantilly cream. The second was a sampling of homemade chocolates. With the chocolates came homemade candies: a candied pear with jellied ginger, and my favorite, which I called God’s Fruit Gusher: a jellied lemon drop injected with limoncello.

Course 9: Tea

Now THIS is a tea course I can get behind! Riccardo rolled up with a straight up herb garden on a trolley. We had our pick of fresh herbs (lavender, verbena, sage, rosemary, thyme, etc. etc.) growing out of flower pots, out of which Riccardo snipped off and brewed an infusion.

BONUS ROUND

The cast and crew sent us off (more like rolled us out) to the casino with a take-home present of A WHOLE ‘NOTHER CAKE. We dropped it off at the coat check at the Monte-Carlo Casino, which the attendant eyed and winked: “This is for me, no?”

It was a night to remember, a culinary tour-de-force.

I gotta say, I could get used to this.

*Alex visibly sweats*

How We Packed

Wear comfy shoes that can go the distance when exploring during the day. You’re going to be climbing some pretty steep inclines. Don’t be intimidated… it’s doable even if you’re not in the best shape, but because it’s doable, you’re going to be tempted to climb up Le Rocher, walk down to Port Hercule, then climb the road to Monte-Carlo Casino. It’s a lot of walking!

It’s the richest country in the world, and even though you’ll see plenty of people sporting Gucci handbags getting out of Ferraris and Lamborghinis, there’s also plenty of regular tourists like you and me who are also sightseeing. My suggestion is wear something nice-ish that makes you feel confident, but you can also get a lil sweaty. Men: don’t wear shorts and flip flops.

If you’re planning on a night out at the casino and, if you’ve sold one of your kidneys on the black market, dinner at Le Louis XV, here’s the dress code: men should wear a sports coat and nice slacks, no tie. Alex wore a suit for an extra confidence boost. As for me, I wore a va-va-VOOM voluptuous red dress as a reminder that I’m just as good as any of the other arm candy influencers. (Although, dear reader, I will admit that I got the dress on asos for $30 and I was wearing Crocs heels.)

Only God can judge me.

For more pictures of Monaco and travel inspo, follow me on Instagram at instagram.com/rebeccamcqueenwrites!