CROATIA, MONTENEGRO, AND BOSNIA-HERZEGOVINA

Y’all, I don’t play about Eastern Europe. 

Right now in Barcelona, locals are spraying tourists with water guns, and their government is currently combating the clog with massive tourist tax spikes and strict regulations on visitors. “Not one tourist more,” they say.

Meanwhile, there’s plenty of natural beauty and interesting culture in Eastern Europe. I’ve been to Romania, Poland, Estonia, Croatia, Montenegro, and Bosnia-Herzegovina, and these people would love to have you, a curious polite American with wads of cash to spend on refrigerator magnets and aperol spritzes. They will treat you so nice; they will fill you up with various meats wrapped in cabbage, homemade cheese, and shanks of slow-roasted cloven-hooved creatures; and it will be a fraction of the price that you would pay to jostle your way through gaggles of Americans in Italy, France, Spain, etc. So go today! Because Americans are sniffing out these places, and they won’t stay secret (or cheap) for long.

DUBROVNIK, CROATIA

Croatia is so much more than the filming location of Game of Thrones, but, like… yo it is really cool that they filmed there. It literally looks like a magical land. Steep mountains crash into crystal-clear waters, white stone cities twist and turn in intricate mazes over coastal cliffs, and most villages’ histories date back to around 600 AD, during the Roman Empire. They pride themselves on their ancient Roman fountains that pump cold, clean water from a spring in the mountains. This place just feels… old. Old and fantastic.

I’ve been to Split and Dubrovnik in Croatia. I liked Split, the site of Emperor Diocletian’s palace and a gem of the Dalmatian Coast, but I would only go there if you had two weeks instead of one, as it’s in the opposite direction of the other places on this list. And I think any Croatian would tell you that if you do indeed have two weeks to spend, go inland into the breathtaking mountains instead of sticking to the coast.

Since I had been to Croatia before, Alex and I decided to spend more time in Montenegro, so we only dedicated about a day and a half to Dubrovnik. But, you know, that’s kind of all you need. Dubrovnik’s old town is a labyrinth of polished white limestone and terracotta shingles surrounded by a 1.3-mile long 80-foot wall. As in, the circumference of the wall is 1.3 miles. The square footage of Old Town is actually less than that. Old Town is split (haha) by one road, Stradun, and then it dissolves into twisting alleys.

And I’m gonna be real with you.

The stores in all these alleys in Old Town are more or less going to fall into one of these categories:

• Game of Thrones merch, but most of it is from Season 1. Like A LOT of it is posters of Sean Bean sitting on the Iron Throne, four-inch Iron Throne replicas, and plastic mugs bearing the house sigils of Lannister, Baratheon, Stark, or Targaryen. (If you’re a House Tyrell or Tully fan you’re S.O.L.) There’s also a “museum” (if you’ve heard me talk about Mannequin Museums, as opposed to Big Ol’ Museums and Artifact Museums, this is one) where you can take a picture on the Iron Throne with a mannequin resembling Daenerys Targaryen and Jon Snow. You can also go on a Game of Thrones filming location tour with a local. In my experience, they aren’t really into GoT, but they know you are, so they will humor you. Kind of like how Austrians aren’t really into The Sound of Music but they’ll do a bus tour for American tourists, although maybe that has something to do with the whole uniting with Nazis backstory… I digress.
• Lavender pouches and soaps
• Amber jewelry
• Local honey, pomegranate wine, and olive oil
• Refrigerator magnets

All of those are up my alley! But if you’ve been to perhaps another European country and bought a souvenir exactly like that, your husband will be constantly reminding you of that fact every time you want to step into one of these stores to shop around. As it is, you can walk the ramparts (the wall that encircles Old Town) in an hour, visit the courtyard of the Franciscan monastery and one of the oldest running pharmacies in the world, go get a drink at Buza Bar (the hidden bar within the city walls that overlooks the ocean, perfect at sunset), explore Old Town and get a bite to eat, and you’ll have spent half a day feeling like you got the jist.

Actually, you know what? There is ONE stall that is easy to find with a truly unique souvenir. A farmer’s/artisan’s market posts up mid-morning at the bottom of the Jesuit Stairs aka The Steps of Shame (idk, if you don’t watch Game of Thrones there’s way too much lore to explain it, but if you do watch it you know exactly what I’m talking about). It’s called Gundulić Square, and there’s a lady there who makes white limestone jewelry. It comes from the same quarry that built Dubrovnik. Not only is it completely unique to Dubrovnik (as in, I’ve never seen a copycat in any of my travels around the Mediterranean), it also holds up. I’ve had one stone bracelet for four years, I wear it at least once a week, and when I returned, I bought another bracelet in a different color from the same lady. It was so fun talking to her four years later!

VERY IMPORTANT!!!! Get the Dubrovnik Pass for a ticket to walk the ramparts. It will also get you into most of the museums in Old Town. It’s also a bus ticket. Locals will tell you to get the pass because it’s basically the price of the ramparts ticket; there’s a huge canvas sign on the inside of the City Walls that’s like “IF YOU ARE STAYING HERE AND NOT JUST ON A CRUISE FOR HALF A DAY PLEASE GET THIS FOR REAL IT IS COST EFFECTIVE”

The next day, take my advice and board a boat for Lokrum Island, which is a dragon’s flap away from the Old Town ramparts. There are two main gates into Old Town at opposite sides of the main road: Pile Gate is the unofficial entrance; Ploče is the unofficial exit, and it opens up to the marina. At the marina, there will be kiosks selling ferries to Lokrum island. They also offer private boat tours to grottos and Elaphiti Islands… skip that because you’ll be doing that in Montenegro. The ferry to Lokrum island leaves every half hour; make sure you’re on the last ferry at 6:00 PM because you’re not allowed to stay overnight.

The island is a sanctuary and public park. Peacocks saunter by you while you sip a cocktail or eat gelato (actually, do both) in a grove overlooking the sea. This is also, unsurprisingly, a Game of Thrones filming site—the gardens of Qarth. There’s a natural pool with high salinity nicknamed “The Dead Sea” and there are plenty of pebble beaches to swim in. Be warned! You’ll want to wear Tevas, Chacos, or swimming shoes because spiny sea urchins do like to snuggle into the ocean rocks. Lokrum Island was one of the highlights of the week.

Just like every seaside town on the Mediterranean, the maps app is deceiving. Yeah, it might be 1.1 mile away, but what it’s not telling you is you have to scale basically a sheer cliff face or climb 1,000 steps to get there. So having been to Dubrovnik before, I didn’t want to shlep our suitcases over a million cobblestones and two million steep stairs to an AirBnB in the labyrinthine Old Town. Instead, we stayed at a cozy little AirBnb overlooking a public pebble beach in a hidden cove right next to the Pila Gate. It wasn’t too noisy, and it was fun because we got to walk out of our AirBnB, swim, and get a pool cocktail at the beach bar. We went night swimming when the pool bar shut down and the cove was empty!

Dubrovnik is a pretty crowded city, so you’ll want to make a reservation for dinner. Alex and I ate dinner in Old Town at the top of the Jesuit Stairs at Restaurant Kopun. Locals would tell you to stay out of Old Town if you want honest-to-goodness Croatian food at non-touristy prices, but Alex and I usually take that advice with a grain of salt. We like eating in an old town, not on the main drag, but a few blocks back. I really liked Restaurant Kopun—the seafood was fresh, and I tried orange wine (very similar to rose, made with grape skins, but better). 

The next night, we ate at Arsenal in the marina. There are four fine dining restaurants in Dubrovnik that locals recommend, and they’re all owned by the Nautika Restaurant Group (click the link to make a reservation at any of the four). These restaurants get full-up, so for real make a reservation. Dubravka 1836 and Nautika are by the Pile Gate and overlook the sea, Arsenal overlooks the marina, and Panorama is high up on the mountain and overlooks the whole city and ocean. (But it requires a trip up in a cable car!! We went in the cable car and just got a drink at Panorama.) If you take a real long look at the menus for all four restaurants, they kinda sorta offer the same dishes, so it’s really just a matter of what beautiful view you want to see. Locals would say to try Dubravka 1836, but we couldn’t get a reservation. HOWEVER, we asked very nicely at Arsenal if it would be possible

**SIDE BAR REALLY QUICK: Americans use the phrase “could we do this” but Europeans tend to use the phrase “is it possible to do this”, and Alex and I have discovered we wind up getting in to more places by using the correct phrasing***

to have dinner without a reservation, and they were able to find us a table after a nice wait at the piano bar. If I ever make a third trip to Dubrovnik, I would like to try Dubravka 1836, but I will make a reservation well in advance. As it is, I highly recommend the black risotto at Arsenal. I’ve had it before at another restaurant in Old Town, but Arsenal’s was far superior.

On our last night in Dubrovnik, we opted for a restaurant that was open late called Sesame. It served excellent seafood, pasta, and upscale cocktails. The ambiance was perfect.

Here are some yummy things to try in Croatia and Montenegro:

• Seafood! Dawg unless you’re allergic/vegan/vegeterian, if you’re the kind of person who won’t eat seafood because of the taste, THIS is the place to try it. Everything is fresh; nothing is fishy. I think a Croatian or Montenegran would tell you to try sea bass first, and I would agree. Sea bass can be too fishy for me back home, but it’s snatched right outta the water here, and it’s fluffy and perfect. Don’t sleep on the tuna, either! Additionally, Dalmatians are proud of their shrimp dishes, and they love octopus (I know that’s touchy because they are more intelligent than other fish species but I’m just warning you it’s everywhere), as well as mussels and oysters. If you go to Arsenal, take my advice and put an oyster on the Texas-toast-style garlic bread they give you. I’m telling you, you’ll never want to use a Saltine again. OMG and with some white wine?? Whew
• Black risotto. This is their most famous dish because it’s such a showstopper. You’ll see risotto all up and down the Mediterranean, but closer to the Adriatic, they’ll take the ink from cuttlefish and mix it into a seafood risotto. Again, take my advice and have it at Arsenal—it’s not fishy, but you can tell the risotto has been cooked in a high-end fish stock that gives it an umami richness. It turns your tongue black, so that’s fun!
• We knew that a seaside town formerly a part of the Venetian Empire would have some real-deal-mama-mia pasta, and we weren’t disappointed. I had seafood pasta at Sesame, and Alex had gnocchi later in the trip. We’re also in the rocky Mediterranean, so you’re gonna see truffle pasta dishes everywhere as well. Alex had sporki makaruli at Restaurant Kopun, a pasta dish with tender beef and cinnamon/nutmeg that could be considered a high-end cousin to Cincinnati chili. If you’re not a seafood eater, I would recommend that for you.
• Click here for a list of vegan restaurants in Dubrovnik!

MOSTAR AND KRAVICA WATERFALLS, BOSNIA & HERZEGOVINA

On our third and final day in Croatia, we booked a day trip to Mostar and Kravica Waterfalls in Bosnia & Herzegovina. Definitely get a bus or private driver to take you across the border; it’s just hairy enough that you won’t want to drive there on your own. Perfectly safe! But it’s a lot easier if you have a local driver to take you through both checkpoints (you’ll have to show your passport getting out of Croatia and into Bosnia-Herzegovina and Montenegro).

If you use the tour company I linked to, make sure to read every email they send, especially on WhatsApp. Americans love an app like GetYourGuide, but most of the information might be subject to change, and that will be communicated to you on WhatsApp. The event says it starts at 6:40, they ask you what hotel you’re staying at, and then they send you a long message with a unique pickup time for you, which for us turned out to be 6:10. We showed up at 6:12, thinking we were early for our 6:40 pickup time, and the bus left right as we walked up. They wouldn’t come back to get us and they wouldn’t give us a refund initially because I replied to the confirmation message (this is my fault, not the company’s), but after speaking with the owner, we got a refund. I also spoke to a GetYourGuide associate who directed me to a private driver.

Even though it’s the fifth-largest city in Bosnia & Herzegovina, Mostar is a One-Street Tourist Town. This is kind of hard to describe, but many day trips to picture-perfect locations that go viral on Instagram (Mont Saint-Michel, Hallstatt, Castle Combe) are more or less a main street full of tourist shops and restaurants as well as picturesque views, which is nice for you and the locals. For you: you’re a tourist, you’re there to snap some photos and get some souvenirs and maybe a bite to eat, and the village has provided all of that for you on one convenient street. For the locals: you don’t run into situations like Barcelona where locals can’t get from A to B because a tour group of middle-aged khaki-shorted Boomers with ear sets keep jerking to a halt right in front of them as they’re walking down the street. 

Mostar is a medieval trade route city famous for its bridge that linked the merchants of the Adriatic to all those expensive minerals they were mining and selling in the mountains. Then in the 1400s, the city came under Ottoman rule, but Christians and Muslims lived there together. You’ll see several beautiful mosques and their minarets along the Neretva River. The famous bridge Stari Most, the pointy one, was built under the orders of Sultan Suleyman the Magnificent! Remember him?? From, like, seventh grade history??? Idk it was cool to me! The bridge was bombed during the Bosnian War, but in 2004 it was rebuilt and is now a UNESCO World Heritage Site. Today, Mostar Diving Club will let you jump from the bridge for fifty euros and a training session.

A local would tell you to go off the main tourist street, Onešćukova, to find traditional Bosnian food, but we didn’t want to spend our hours there trying to find the perfect spot when there were so many artisan shops and mosques to explore, as well as the riverside. So we went to Restaurant Šadrvan, an Eastern European restaurant that looked cute, and we were not disappointed. We split the Nacional Plate and we didn’t even make a dent in it.

***BE PREPARED TO BRING EUROS AND GO TO ATMS!!! When I first went to Croatia, it was just beginning to be on the Euro. They won’t let certain countries into the Eurozone unless their economy is good, otherwise their economy throws off the whole balance of the rest of Europe. Kind of like how Greece’s economy donked up the Eurozone and Germany had to save them. Anyway, a lot of former Communist-bloc countries want to join the Eurozone, but they have to pump Euros into their economy first, and that usually means they only take cash. They might have a card reader, but cash is better. Restaurant Šadrvan is cash only, but there’s an ATM nearby.***

After exploring Mostar, our driver took us to Kravica Waterfalls. Tickets to get in are about ten dollars per person. The hike down to the falls is not bad, but there’s a little train (think theme park, not locomotive) that takes you down for two euros. Again, keep cash on you for the whole trip! There are restaurants at the bottom. It was so cool to swim in a pool surrounded by 180 degree waterfalls!

There are bathrooms at the top, so make sure to bring a change of clothes (or, in my case, take off your swimsuit and just be kind of loosey-goosey under your dress) so you don’t have to sit in wet, cold clothing on the two-hour drive back.

PERAST, MONTENEGRO

The Bay of Kotor is Montenegro’s version of Lake Tahoe. Very sheer mountains completely surround the snow-angel-shaped bay except for one narrow strait. Once Montenegro dissolved from Yugoslavia in the nineties, they set up Kotor as a Mediterranean cruise port around 2005, and the bay has been steadily picking up in tourism for the past two decades.

I say that to introduce you to many aspects to keep in mind before my advice in order to make your stay in Montenegro magical:

1. Montenegro competes with Croatia as a tourist spot. Americans might have just discovered it, but Brits have been going for decades, so don’t expect Eastern European prices in the Bay of Kotor. It won’t be expensive, but they know you can pay American prices if you’re this close to the sea. I’ve heard the rest of Montenegro—the mountains and lake country—is very budget-friendly, which makes me want to return.
2. Kotor, nestled in the corner of the snow angel, is the cruise port. So EVERYBODY and they mama is shuffling around there. From Kotor, it’s very popular to take a boat tour to Our Lady of the Rocks (a church built on a rock in the middle of the bay), the nearby Venetian village of Perast, a former Yugoslavian submarine port, Budva (a city by the sea) and the nearby Sveti Stefan beach, and the Blue Cave (very similar to the Blue Grotto in Capri). So if you’re staying in Kotor (we didn’t), remember that it’s going to be very crowded with not only tourists staying but LOTS of cruisers.
3. There’s only one road that goes around the whole bay. Locals say traffic can get bad, but it was alright when we were there, nonetheless locals recommend renting a car. The only thing is it’s nearly impossible to find a parking space around the whole bay. They don’t have Uber there yet, but the taxis are trustworthy, however they all run out of Kotor. So a taxi will be about 25 euros if you’re trying to drive around the bay; they take cards, but many tours and kiosks will be cash-only. (Remember—Montenegro and Bosnia-Herzegovina are not yet in the Eurozone.) There are plenty of ATMs around.
4. Again, locals recommend you drive from Croatia to Montenegro in a rental—the gates are easy to get through, but traffic sometimes backs up for hours. Maybe we were just blessed with traffic?? It wasn’t too bad for us. All the same, Alex booked a ferry to the Bay of Kotor from Dubrovnik to bypass the headache of renting a car. But lolololol this ferry… I don’t know if it really exists. I wouldn’t necessarily call this a scam, but the ferry only runs if there’s enough people to make its gas money worthwhile. Technically, you don’t book a ferry through Adriatic Lines, you book transportation. So they send you an email (ONLY IF YOU BOOK THROUGH THEIR WEBSITE; THEY DON’T SEND IT TO YOU IF YOU BOOK THROUGH GETYOURGUIDE) that’s like “surprise! You’ll be taking a bus tee-hee! Email us back if you want a partial refund otherwise you just paid for an overpriced bus ticket lololol.” Our ferry was “canceled” on the way to and from Kotor. But whatever… we rode a coach bus, no biggie. We got there on time. So would I recommend this ferry? Uh… not per se, but what’s your other option?
5. You can’t actually park in Perast; you have to park in a crowded parking lot a short walk away from the village. This is also where taxis will pick you up and drop you off. Only hotel vehicles are allowed to drive there.

Do not read these five items and think “wow they got scammed I’m not going there” NO WE HAD A GREAT TIME 110% WOULD GO BACK JUST LISTEN CAREFULLY TO MY ADVICE BELOW!

Alex and I had a successful but strenuous year, and we wanted to do something rare: just sit, swim, and relax. We decided to skip Kotor and its crowd of cruisers and stay in the very cute village of Perast. I mean, why take the water taxi there for a couple of hours when you could just stay the whole time, right? And Our Lady of the Rocks is right next to Perast, so if you stay in Perast, you have a view of the church in the middle of the bay. So, like… not much need to use up a lot of euros driving back and forth around the bay when you’re staying at the coolest part.

 We stayed at Heritage Grand Perast and had a White Lotus Season 2 experience (without the Jennifer Coolidge assassination plot, obviously). This is old-world, Grand Budapest Hotel kind of elegance. The staff was attentive; they hooked us up with a deluxe sea view suite with a view of Our Lady of the Rocks even though we only paid for the cheaper courtyard view. We enjoyed our extensive breakfast buffet, we sat right up on the bay and swam in the sea or the infinity pool, and when I got too much sun, I hit up the spa and enjoyed the indoor pool, steam room, and sauna. The cruisers and boat tours emptied out of Perast by four-ish, so in the evening, we explored the idyllic stretch of Venetian buildings and ate our weight in gelato.

Montenegro offers the same seaside dishes as those I described for Croatia. All of these dishes can be found at any of the handful of waterfront restaurants in the cozy village of Perast. There aren’t many vegan options in Perast, but there are some around the Bay of Kotor. I also recommend these dining experiences:

Kraken Underwater Wine Cellar— Okay, so I originally wanted to go here because underwater aging comes up in my new novel, coming to bookstores in 2028. In 2010, divers discovered a sunken ship with Original Gangsta Veuve Cliquot stamped by the Widow Cliquot herself. When they opened a bottle (above water, obviously) the wine tasted unusually mellow and flavorful. The underwater pressure caused the tannins to break down in a certain way, creating a smoother drink. So ever since then, small vineyards have started experimenting with underwater aging. Kraken is a floating wine bar where barnacle-encrusted bottles age in the waters of the bay. They drive you to the bar in a water taxi, you get to pick your own bottle, and they also serve steamed mussels, bruschetta, and charcuterie. You can also jump off the floating bar to swim! Obviously, this place is cash-only. They can’t take cards because there’s no electricity or internet. So bring enough cash to purchase a bottle, which I guarantee you will drink within your two-hour reservation. Alex and I went here for lunch, then we went to Stari Mlini for dinner.

Stari Mlini— This is a family-run restaurant operating out of a mill from the 1670s. Stari Mlini (Old Mill) is easily one of the most picturesque restaurants I’ve ever dined in. It’s like a fairy land; very romantic. Alex and I had the house special, sea bass for two, and it was excellent! This is halfway between Perast and Kotor, right next to Kraken.

On our last day, the “ferry” (bus) left at around 5:00, so Heritage Grand Perast kindly granted us a late check-out. We were able to do a boat tour to Our Lady of the Rocks, the submarine port, and Blue Cave at 9:20; it ended around 12:30. The cash-only tour is along the waterfront of Perast and operates out of a little souvenir shop. I would recommend booking it the afternoon before; you give the girl at the register ten euros as a deposit. < The way I wrote that makes it sound shady, but it was fine. It’s kind of what I like about Eastern Europe: there’s still a remnant of “guy in a white tank top with a gold chain smoking a cigarette who guards a wardrobe leading into Narnia but he’ll let you through for twenty euros” that is just nonexistent in the app-obsessed-streamlined-litigious-fine-print-sign-a-waver United States. It’s why I wasn’t mad about the ferry. They were like “okay boat no come today but is fine we put you on bus no problem” and hey, we still got there. Adopt a relaxed attitude of smoking in a white tank and chain and you’ll reach nirvana levels of opa-maxxing.

HOW TO PACK

Sunday: Arrive in Dubrovnik; explore and get dinner.

Monday: Explore Dubrovnik and Lokrum Island.

Tuesday: Day trip to Mostar and Kravica Waterfalls.

Wednesday: Leave for Bay of Kotor at 9:30 from Dubrovnik cruise port; get there around 1-3.

Thursday and Friday: Chillax in Perast.

Saturday: Boat tour then leave for Dubrovnik at 5:30.

Sunday: Fly home 😦 

Tevas/Chacos for any swimming days. 

A beach bag with two light towels and change of clothes.

Plenty of euros; I actually ordered some from my bank a few weeks before the trip.

European plug adapter, obvi.

Bring a bottle to Dubrovnik! Locals will tell you that buying bottles of water in Dubrovnik is a scam because their water is extremely clean; it’s a point of pride. Locals just carry around an empty plastic bottle and regularly refill from the Roman fountains during the day.

Croatians are nice dressers! They don’t think it’s cute when Americans walk around in athleisure. Although take what I say with a grain of salt: Alex wore his Alabama polos every day during the second half of the trip and nobody gave him the stank eye. In fact, there were many glasses-khakis-and-sports-polo male tourists in Montenegro–thirty-something guys who worked in finance and tech startups–accompanied by (and paying for) their beautiful, sundress-clad wives, asking for the millionth time for a picture for Instagram. Guilty.